Healing the Marriage
When to Call
Face Your Fears
Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him!
Ok - down to the nitty-gritty ladies! Time to get
some serious dating tips for women only. What I have
realized is that all over the internet - there is
all kinds of dating advice for men, but for women -
its scarce. I suppose that is because it is the man
who is traditionally looked at as the one who is
supposed to be out there picking up chicks, taking
the initiative and generally taking charge in the
singles and dating arena.
However, we all know as women that we cannot always
rely on men to be in charge! And who would want to?
So sometimes, Mr. Right needs a gentle nudge - or a
kick in the seat of his pants. This is where the
dating tips and dating advice for WOMEN comes in
particularly handy. Learn how to get the guy - how
to take it from eye contact to that first kiss and
Please browse through all the dating articles to
find the dating tips that you need - and return
often! I will be adding more every week. Below is
one of my FAVORITE newsletter’s from Christian
Carter —happy reading!
What If He's Afraid Of A Relationship?
This time I'm sharing a question from a reader that
I know you'll be interested in...
>>Question on dating tips for women:
I purchased your catch him and keep him e-book last night and have been reading it. Wow! But I
admit I skipped to some parts to get to others that
I thought I needed to read first...and now I'm going
back to read the entire thing. I wanted to share
something with you first that struck me.
I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend
that I have feelings for him - more than a
friendship. We have been intimate with each other
about 3 times. Everything was fine until I mentioned
my feelings to him. I wasn't asking him for a
relationship...but he took it that way. I have since
then been pouring my heart out to him and pretty
much looking insane.
Is there any way to save it? I know he has feelings
for me. Please help...and tell me how to reverse the
damage I have done.
Thanks so much
>>Christian Carter's thoughts:
WAKE UP GIRL! I've got to slap some sense into you
for your own good. I'm going to skip some critical
stuff here because you've got my catch him and keep
him book. But go back to Chapter 6 and read each
section again. Your fears are taking over your
emotions... which in turn is driving the behavior
that your guy is responding negatively to. You've
stopped steering your life emotionally and you've
let go of the wheel.
Go to Chapter 7 in Catch Him and Keep Him also,
about the Emotional Gap, and read about “How To Set
Yourself Apart From Other Women.” But I've got some
new ideas for you too...
There's an important scientific word I want you to
learn and remember: “Duh”
You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him - you're
sleeping with him! And I'm willing to bet you had
these feelings all along, but you just weren't
completely up front about them. You're situation is
possibly the WORST kind of uphill battle a woman can
have with a man early on.
It's a BIG NO-NO. Actually, it's THE big NO-NO in
the early dating stage. Using purely “physical
attraction” to start a potential relationship. So
rarely do I give rules, but here's an absolute RULE
when it comes to men—You can go from a committed and
deep relationship to something “casual” or physical
with a man.
Read more about this in the Catch Him
and Keep him ebook ...
For a man, that's relatively easy. But it almost
impossible to go from the “friends - with-benefits”
situation to a deep, fulfilling, intimate and
lasting situation. If you know what I'm talking
about here say “Amen!”
I know this first hand. From my own love-life and
from TONS of men and women I've known in my life.
So here's the “RULE”: (Call it dating tip number 1
DON'T EVER try and start things with a man at a
casual and purely physical level if you EVER want
the option for something more meaningful or long-
term. Men don't work this way, like it or not. And
don't try to get a man BACK with physical attraction
and sex either.
It's a dead-end street. So here's the first thing
you need to do...Go read my Catch Him ebook again -
and this time finish it. Then read it 2 more times.
Just buying it won't help you.
The worst part of this is that you're smart and you
know better - I can tell, but I guess you're just a
glutton for punishment. And I can't see why you're
surprised with how frustrating your situation is.
Because you helped create it with your own choices.
But you're still not getting it, so I'm going to
give you the crash-course in the kind of dating that
leads to love and happiness that you need.
1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU'RE AFTER
You said you “made the mistake” of admitting you had
feelings for him. It's NOT a mistake to share your
feelings with a man. It IS a mistake to share your
feelings with a man too early and in a negative
context. And you made both of these mistakes because
you set yourself up for failure here.
How? By choosing and “tolerating” a situation that
just doesn't work for you. So INSTANTLY you become
the nay-sayer and antagonist for the story you chose
to live out and the role you signed up for.
At least that's the way your guy probably sees it.
One minute you're blissfully happy in his embrace,
and then a day or two later your feelings of content
have turned to fear and desperation...All because of
a “talk” you wanted to have with him.
Ok, I'm riding you a bit hard here, but it's for
your own benefit. Instead of being open with
yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued
some kind of “friends with benefits” strategy to get
I don't believe that this kind of relationship came
about because of any part of who you really are.
That's why you're freaking out. You thought you
could handle it. You thought you'd get something out
of it. And for a minute it was fun. But then your
feelings snuck up on you. And eventually you were
reminded of what you're really after with a man and
what you value. Right now you have two pictures in
One picture is of this “casual” thing going on. And
the other one is what you actually want. The two
pictures are so radically different and far apart
from each other, that it's no wonder you're acting
Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for
what you're ACTUALLY doing with this guy. It's time
to stop creating situations in your life that you
KNOW won't make you happy or comfortable - even if
they feel good in the moment.
2. FIND YOU’RE PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS...
AND THEN STICK TO THEM
Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way,
is a SURE-FIRE way to ruin your odds of creating
something more meaningful in the future. I'm a guy.
But more importantly, getting into a “casual”
situation with a man you might want to date, has a
VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL. So...
Unless you're one out of a hundred thousand women
that gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring,
great communicator, who makes moving into a
committed relationship effortless... then you're
going to have to start asking yourself some
questions about what you really want from your
And find some answers...And then... oh my god...
actually be honest about them from the start. Here's
an important question to ask:
WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS? And I mean YOUR needs. Not what
you're accepting, or tolerating, or hoping to get
from a man just because there's nothing better
around right now.
Be clear here and think it through.
I'll give you a minute...
Most women I know who are casually dating, have a
set of unconscious requirements that have to be met
for them to be able to enjoy the process of dating.
But they rarely recognize these requirements, or
communicate them in an appealing way to a man, that
also speaks to his needs. So they end up in a
situation that is anything but what they were
looking for. Here's a few of these “must haves” that
women often aren't honest about at the start:
That any man they're involved with, in any way,
isn't dating or still involved with another woman
That he's open and ready to explore a serious
relationship once they get to know each other
That he shares some the same values and priorities
in his life that she does - or can at least
appreciate and support her values
Here's an example of “stereotypical” female values
in order of priority:
Love -> Trust -> Intimacy -> Connection
And here's one example of “stereotypical” male
values in order of priority:
Financial Success-> Adventure-> Freedom
See any area for conflict and confusion about what's
important if these two people got together?
So how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to
feel good when it comes to men and dating?
And how do you communicate these to a man?
Do you do it indirectly through frustration and
anger when your requirements aren't being met, and
do it AFTER THE FACT? Or do you do it directly and
in a positive context as things are getting started,
so you're in sync from the get-go? Think about it
for a second...
I'll give you more time, because this one's
Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to
make the right decisions for you. He won't be able
to magically recognize and meet all of your needs or
values. Sticking to your standards helps you show a
man how happiness works for you.
3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN'T MEET YOUR
After observing and studying how our minds work, I
recognized something FASCINATING a few years back.
When we're in a negative situation with someone in
our life, we're there because we're getting
something out of it behind the scenes. Here's what
you're getting out of the “casual” thing...
You get a safe and risk free path to get close to
this guy. Even though you're not too close at all.
Also known as “working it from the 'friend zone'”.
So for you, you get your needs met by getting close
and intimate in a way that seems, at first, to be
REJECTION or ABANDONMENT FREE for you.
After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared
what you REALLY were looking for up front? Then you
might end up feeling disappointment or loss. Or be
unable to continue the “friendship” that you have
right now. And maybe having to start over alone
might actually be worse in your mind than having
something crappy that you're “tolerating” and
fighting with a man about.
If you look deeper, you'll probably see that your
desire for something more was there all along
underneath the surface. But you didn't want to share
it for fear of scaring him off or getting hurt. This
may sound harsh, but you've got to be clear and
direct with a man if what he's doing is not up to
par with where you need your partner to be. You have
to show a man what a woman wants and needs, because
he probably wasn't born knowing it like you were.
And do it in a way that rejects the BEHAVIOR, not
him personally. My favorite way of thinking about
how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer”.
Strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the
same time. The funny thing is, that as tough and as
“bitchy” or self-centered doing this might sound
right now, most men respond MAGICALLY to a woman who
does this in the right way.
Because it sends a strong UNCONSCIOUS signal to a
man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her
world. There's nothing that triggers more intense
“long- term” attraction in a healthy and mature man,
than a woman who he CAN'T control and doesn't get
thrown off center when her needs aren't met. Using
the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit
that women don't often recognize... or they don't
even see as a benefit at first.
It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away,
because they're never going to get their act
together in the first place, or just don't want to.
A large percentage of the time, the man will stop
communicating or go away for a short while. But
here's the best part...
With the “good guys”, that you probably WANT to be
with long-term, something FASCINATING happens...They
come back around. And even better, they've done all
the leg-work themselves to be a better partner... in
a way the woman could have never fixed or convinced
him to do, no matter how hard she tried.
4. WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND “LOVE” WITH
Ever heard of “approval seeking” behavior?
It's when we try and do and say things simply to get
a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from
someone else. Well, it's a HUGE MISTAKE to make with
a man early on. Your need for your guy's APPROVAL is
your worst enemy right now. To him, what your doing
is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.
I'll give you an example to explain...
Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is
shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman? As he's
just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn't
completely made up her mind to want to be with him,
what does he do? He buys her gifts. He calls her all
the time. He offers to do favors and errands for
All these are attempts to prove to her that he's
good enough to be with her or to get her attention.
This is also known as the “really nice guy”
approach. Women just never seem to quite “feel it”
for the super nice guy. Of course, some women
disagree and like to tell me that they really like
Here's my take...
A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things.
Agreed - you CAN be attractive AND do nice things.
But doing nice things DOES NOT make a man more
attractive. If a woman wasn't really “feeling it”
before, no amount of nice guy behavior will win her
heart over. It just doesn't work that way. With me
Instead of making her feel attracted to him, what
actually happens inside a lot of women when a man is
taking the “nice guy” strategy? Somewhere deep down
she starts to lose RESPECT for him, because she
knows she can CONTROL him. The woman doesn't
consciously choose to experience this, but it's how
she FEELS. And feelings are the most powerful things
we have to drive our beliefs and desires.
Ever stopped to think that the same thing might work
in reverse between a woman's behavior and a man?
I've got a FASCINATING question for you. Guess what
one of the most common, central, human experiences
is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE? Give up?
It's a LOSS OF CONTROL. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, think about a love you've had in the
past, or friends you know who have been head over
heels in love. Or pick up a book on the
physiological and psychological effects of love on
our minds and bodies. There have been lots of great
Anyway, our minds work obsessively on thoughts about
the other person when we're in love. We think and
plan to do all kinds of things for our lover. Part
of why we do this is to try and find the best way to
get or share love back from the other person. Some
of this is beautiful and positive, but not all of
it. Some of what we do is to think up ways to try
and CONTROL the other person, so they won't ever
leave or take the love we're feeling away. The
classic adolescent example of this is when a girl
wants to break up with a guy, and the boy falsely
threatens to kill himself if she leaves.
I'm not making light of that horrible situation, but
it's a good example. Nod your head if you know what
I'm talking about and you get where I'm going with
this. What I'm doing here is showing you the subtle
connection between LOVE, and the LOSS OF CONTROL
experience. Now let's tie it back to approval
How does approval seeking effect LOVE? And what does
it have to do with CONTROL? For men, approval
seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the
uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women
he's with is going to think and act. What does a man
have to think and wonder about if he's got complete
certainty about everything a woman's going to do? Do
you think a man feels intense desire, love and
respect for a woman he can completely control? Or
when her behavior is totally predictable? And what
if she starts acting predictably NEGATIVE?
It's this “natural tension” and challenge of not
having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong
ATTRACTION in men. “SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?” What
most women ask in situations when a man isn't
responding the way they want him to is...WHY is he
acting this way and how do I make sense of it and
Well, you can't “fix” a man. And I really feel for
you if you're one of those women who are trying. But
you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a
man is having for you. You can change his EXPERIENCE
with you. The toughest and most important thing to
understand is that men's behavior and thinking in
these situations aren’t at all LOGICAL. In other
words, how a man reacts doesn't make ANY “sense” and
doesn't follow any rhyme or reason.
So of course it baffles and frustrates women when
they run it through their own “sense-making
filters”. Let me ask you a question...If you were an
attractive man, would you want to find a woman that
you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel
good... or would you want a woman who just “got it”
on her own... “naturally” and it flowed?
You'd want the woman who already “got it”. So more
likely than a conspiracy against women, men just
naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON'T
respond to women who DON'T. So let's talk about
these concepts a little bit more.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman, is about
a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally
compatible” because his emotional and physical
sparks fly when he's around her. NOTE: I did NOT use
the word “logical” here. Attraction and wanting to
be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man
meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:
“Let's see...she's got a good job, works hard, and
is a really good person... Hmmm, I think that we
have some natural attraction going on here.” WRONG.
For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a
woman, and stay with her, is either THERE, or it
There's no two ways about it. If it isn't, he's not
FEELING it. Unfortunately, most women think: “Well,
if things aren't going great, it must be because he
doesn't know something that I know, or feel
something I feel. I think I'll explain to him
logically from my point of view how he needs to feel
like I do... and then he'll get it and know how and
why we should love each other.”
If you're doing this, you need a major refresher on
how ATTRACTION is created and how it drives the
feelings of love and long-term desire. My ebook
“Catch Him & Keep Him” is chock full of great
examples of how to trigger what I call “Intellectual
Attraction” in a man. In other words, the kind of
attraction that gets a man to “naturally” open up,
share himself and think about the future with a
You can learn to avoid the mistakes most women make
with a man that keep him from experiencing intense
feelings of Intellectual Attraction. And get
specific ideas on how to begin to change a situation
by creating this attraction. Here are a few specific
sections in the Catch Him and Keep Him ebook:
Chapter 3, Section 1: Be Honest About What You Want
This will get you on track with how to stop being
fearful about dating, scaring a man off, and how to
share your feelings at the beginning in a way that
will build Physical and Intellectual Attraction
instead of having him withdraw.
Chapter 3, Section 5: The “Convincer”
Here you'll learn the common behavior and
communication style lots of women take on, that is
sure to have a man acting “unavailable” and becoming
I describe how and why this happens in this section
and in the following section about the critical
“Relationship Balance” that exists between every man
and woman... and what to do about it.
Chapter 5, Section 4: Emotions Are Contagious
A woman's emotional power can be her greatest
strength or her biggest weakness. I talk about the
deeper “psychology” behind your emotions, how men
perceive the most common emotions women go through,
and how you can channel your emotions to have a man
see you as someone he HAS to be around.
Go here to check out more. I'm so sure that you'll
love it and that it will truly help you and make you
feel great about where you are, that I'll let you
decide whether or not you want to pay for it. All
you have to do is download the book, read it, and
keep it if you love it. I know you will.
If for any reason you don't want the book, just let
me know and you won't have to pay ANYTHING at all.
AND you can still keep the book. Sounds like a good
deal to me. Get all the details and download your
copy of the Catch Him and Keep him ebook here:
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Thanks and best of luck in life and love!
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Rights Reserved. Copyright materials used by
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Carter” are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.