Here is a newsletter from Emily McKay...
I met a man whose wife left him and is in the
process of being divorced. We had 6 great dates. We
were very attracted to each other and we had
physical relations on some of the dates.
Then one day I freaked out a little cause he hadn't
even filed for divorce yet (he has now).
And I told him I couldn't do this any more. So we
talked and he said he just wanted a friend and
nothing serious. He's not ready yet. We still keep
in touch thru emails and IM and I let him initiate
most of the time.
My question is did I scare him away?
I still like him very much but I don't want a pen
pal I want to get to know him.
So do I contact him and talk to him about how I
Trina (Scottsdale, AZ)
=====Emily McKay's Reply========
Thanks for writing to me, Trina.
I suppose I should have become used to getting
e-mails similar to yours by now. But in my heart I
feel I really never, ever will.
Why soooo many women allow themselves to get
involved with men who are inherently unavailable to
them is beyond me.
Here's the way it is. And know ahead of time that
this isn't going to be the easiest thing in the
world for you to hear. But I'm simply the
messenger--the truth here really is rather clear.
When a man is "separated" or by any other
description NOT divorced yet, he is A MARRIED MAN.
What's more, many times you really can drop the
"yet" part from that last statement.
When there is no official divorce record, you are
fully dependent upon someone's word that he or she
really has broken up with his or her partner.
Notice that I wasn't gender-specific there. Truly
both men and women can experience what you're seeing
in this situation.
But if you are dating a man who claims that his
marriage is through, but has nothing to prove that
with, then the reality is that just about anything
could be going on. And almost anything could happen
as a result.
Even if you know for a fact that his wife has picked
up and moved to another city to be with some other
guy she left him for, reconciliation is always a
possibility--made easy by the lack of any formal
severance to the relationship.
As you've found out, the man you are with was
willing to sleep with you, but never quite got
around to getting his divorce filed.
This is a major red flag as I see it.
If his wife "left him", but no divorce has been
filed for, it's likely that one or both spouses is
indeed reserving some hope of reconciliation.
The possibility of legal tangles, etc. exists...but
I wouldn't rely on that explanation.
Besides, the fact that he wasn't forthright in
telling you EXACTLY what his status was portends
that he has had good reason to hide it from you all
Dating a man who is recently divorced brings about
enough challenges with regard to being "ready" for
another serious relationship so soon.
And dating a man who isn't *even* divorced is the
very definition of "complicated".
For all you know, based on the information you've
shared, this guy could be going home and sleeping in
the same bed with his wife. What's really going on
is subject to hearsay, and he has already
demonstrated that he's willing to withhold info from
Further, when you challenged him on all of this,
what happened? He gave you the "Just Be Friends"
This is further indication that he was interested in
a hot fling, perhaps because he felt he could get
away with it and it was "now or never" given that
his separation from his wife is even factual.
Unfortunately Trina, I'm not sure "how you feel" is
going to change anything.
I am, however, pretty sure you didn't exactly "scare
His status is what it is, and what he wants out of
life right now is also plain to see. If you are
looking for something stable for the long-term that
neither what he is looking for nor READY for.
Why allow yourself to become even more emotionally
drawn in by a man who has no ability to commit to
you right now anyway? From the looks of things, he
has now gone so far as to clearly state that he's
not interested in that sort of thing anyway...were
it even logistically possible.
That all adds up to danger ahead if you choose to
We as women MUST learn that when men tell us they
don't want a commitment or anything serious, they
There are over six billion people on Earth, and lots
of them are men.
Must you really select a man who is not only
emotionally unavailable but LITERALLY unavailable?
Avoid the drama and the heartbreak and position
yourself to meet men who are ready to meet you...and
who know what it means to build a great relationship
on communication and mutual trust ALONG WITH the
Does any part or Trina's predicament sound familiar
Let me tell you...it's time for women everywhere to
JUST SAY NO to empty promises and unlikely hopes.
Is it romantic and fun to believe in fairy tales? Of
COURSE it is.
And allow me to be the first to encourage you in
finding your very own Prince Charming.
Keep in mind, however, what the plain facts are: 1)
In order to "live happily ever after" you have to
have the RIGHT man in your life, and 2) you've just
GOT to have a clear sense of what you want from a
man and how to make it happen.
I can't think of a better way to get on the right
track to having a blissful relationship with a great
man than to read the Women's Edition of Scot's book
Deserve What You Want.
In it, you'll discover how to put aside all the
obstacles of the past, how to know what you want in
a man, how to get yourself ready to meet him (it's
not hard--I promise) and YES...how to meet him!
You're going to absolutely love Scot's transparent
and friendly writing style. He talks about real
truth with a compassion that I still find amazing.
He and I both have had to recover from devastating
heartbreak in order to get to where we were ready to
meet each other and live the happy life we do now.
And I know he shares my passion for helping you rise
from the ashes of disappointment and heartache and
find REAL happiness.
Find out more here:
Guess what? I asked Scot to add some special bonuses
just for the women's version of Deserve What You
Want. And he has really outdone himself.
Read about those and be sure to read how other women
from all walks of life and from all over the world
have seen their lives transformed after reading the
When you get your very own copy of Deserve What You
Want, remember that I'm also willing to share a free
month of Keys To Bliss For Women as part of the
package. This month's is on "Phone Calls And
Texting" which I know can be a major "sticking
point", can't it?
Take care, and I'll type atcha again really soon!
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2008. All Rights
Reserved. Scot & Emily McKay