YOU Be the Girl!
Don't Be His Friend!
Are You Obsessed?
How to Do Intimacy
Rori Raye asks women - Have you ever been with a man
where you feel like you're doing all the work?
Where he expects YOU to come to HIM, whether it's to
meet him somewhere, drive to his house, or just come
on over to the couch where he's sitting? Where he
just lets YOU make all the plans and arrangements -
and even do the DRIVING and PAYING?
Where there aren't any phone calls unless you do the
calling? And there wouldn't be any affection unless
you do the initiating? And he doesn't seem to be
very good at the ACTION part? If this has ever
happened to you, or is happening now, then your man
is enjoying being "The Girl" in your relationship.
And you're absolutely not alone.
When my marriage was falling apart, it was as though
I was being torn apart. One part of me wanted love
and affection from my man, one part of me was so
angry it wanted nothing to do with him. When I
talked to him, one part of me was almost pleading
for love and whining to him about not having it, and
the other part was quietly making him wrong for not
GIVING it to me.
The part of me that wanted to RECEIVE love was my
"girl" part. She had feelings of longing and
emptiness and sadness and hope, too. The part of me
that propelled me towards my man trying to get him
to GIVE to me (even to ask him to take out the
garbage or spend time with me) was my "boy" part.
One part of me wanted to pull him closer, and one
part of me was pushing him away. And I wasn't doing
it on purpose.
I felt absolutely DESPERATE.
I felt trapped, anxious, angry. And all those
feelings completely terrified me. I felt like
throwing up most of the time. Every time I looked at
my small daughter and wondered what I was going to
do, I panicked. I felt paralyzed, and just went back
to doing the only thing I knew to do - I stayed with
my "boy" part, because it was the ONLY WAY TO GET
It was the only way I could keep moving. When I
finally figured out that trying to keep things going
was the exact OPPOSITE of what I needed to do,
everything changed. It was the most dramatic
turnaround imaginable, and you can do it too. We all
need both our inner boys and girls to live a full
life - full of boy action and thinking, and full of
girl being and feeling - but most of us are tipping
in the direction that doesn't work for us in
relationships - and that's "boy" energy.
In Rori Raye terms,
"girl" energy Leans Back, and "boy" energy Leans
Forward. The more I Leaned Forward and tried to get
my man to come closer, the further I pushed him
away. Because in a relationship with a man - if one
of you is Leaning Forward, the other is
AUTOMATICALLY Leaning Back. That's just the way the
Energy Exchange works.
In other words, at any given moment, there can be
only ONE BOY and ONE GIRL in the relationship. And
if he's very happy being "The Girl," there's no girl
room left for you! If this has ever happened to you,
you know how easy it is to then get caught up in
being "The Boy."
If he doesn't do the job, we do. In the worst
moments of my marriage, even though, on some level I
could see I was doing things because HE WASN'T -
still, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't let down
because - if HE didn't take out the garbage, or
start sex, or make a plan to go out for dinner, then
I HAD TO!
In other words, if he let down on his "boy" side and
spent time instead playing guitar or hanging out on
the couch in front of the basketball game - well -
SOMEBODY had to take care of things and keep things
going - so I DID!
Has it ever gone like this for you? Where your man
is NOT doing the "manly" things you think he should,
so to keep things going - YOU step up and do them?
And this is how we ALL get stuck in our "boy" energy
and forget how to be girls. This is almost like an
epidemic right now. The most common complaint I hear
from my clients about men right now is that they
don't "act like men."
That they call and leave vague messages saying just
"Hi," and never really asking for a date. That they
like to talk only by email and never seem to move
things along. And I'm here to tell you that this is
nothing new about men. In times past - even in the
50's, it seems from movies and TV that men were more
They supposedly took care of things like earning a
living and taking charge of what went on in the
household and just sort of seemed more "masculine."
But the truth is, WITHIN a RELATIONSHIP, people
struggled just as much with the idea of "who's in
charge" as we do.
That's where the whole concept of "henpecked" came
from. Where a man might LOOK like he was "acting
like a man" but actually, his wife "wore the pants
in the family." If you're finding yourself wearing
the pants in the family, or in the relationship, or
on the date - then it will help you so much to know
that you're firmly and totally in your "boy" part in
exactly the one place in your life - love and
romance - where it doesn't work!.
It's great to be in your "boy" part out in the
world, taking care of yourself, doing important
things, keeping schedules and organizing your work
and your life - but it just doesn't work in
relationships. Everyone of us has different
temperaments, and everyone of us likes to express
ourselves in different ways. Some of us are very
outgoing, and some of us are more shy.
Men are no different from women in many ways. But
men are SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT in the one way that
is most important to us - and that's ROMANCE. No
matter how shy or arty or sensitive a man is, if he
doesn't feel like he's "wearing the pants" in even
just a CONVERSATION with us, he'll LOSE INTEREST in
In other words, in order to feel turned onto us
EMOTIONALLY (sexually is completely different -
we'll go into that in another eLetter) he has to
feel CONFIDENT. He has to feel like "a man." And for
a man, that means being in his "boy" part.
But what if he doesn't know how? Or what if he
doesn't feel like it? What if he just feels like
sitting around and waiting to see what WE'LL DO?
What if he's taking up all the "girl" space in your
relationship, and almost FORCES you to "act like
'The Boy'? What if he's taking all that relaxing,
laid back, sensuous, "Being" space and leaving YOU
NO ROOM at all to be anything BUT The Boy?
Ah ha! Here's where we get to turn all this around
by OUTGIRLING HIM! If you'd like to know more about
this "Masculine/Feminine" "Girl/Boy" idea, it's all
in my eBook, Have The Relationship You Want. (If you
don't already have it, you can download it
FREE for 7 days before you decide to keep it)
First let's talk about what's happening here. When a
man starts off a relationship by acting like a
"girl" and letting YOU do all the planning and
arranging, you'd think that would be a Red Flag to
us women, but most of the time it isn't. Because
these kinds of men are often sexy, charming,
handsome and very, very sweet.
They tend to be thoughtful, and sensitive, and good
listeners, and "spiritual." We get caught up in this
so easily and quickly, that we soon start acting
like the "boy" by taking charge. If you're anything
like I was, you like "sensitive" men. Not all
sensitive men like to be the "girls" in a
relationship, but so many of us women make it SO
EASY for them to fall into that lovely, catered-to
place of "girl" that it might seem as if being
"sensitive" and "being a girl" are the same thing.
According to Rori Raye, It's not. A sensitive man
can also be very much a boy in a relationship - and
just like all men - he PREFERS it that way. But he
might, also like most men, just be USED to starting
out in a relationship like "The Girl." And, if he's
very attractive and very sweet, then, for us, taking
charge of "boy" things in the relationship seems
like a small price to pay for all his "sensitivity."
Sometimes we even end up paying for ourselves very
early in the dating, and sometimes we get stuck
doing the driving. We make peace with that by saying
the other men out there who seem "stronger" are also
"jerks" and insensitive. We make a trade.
And that's a big mistake. The mistake is not
necessarily choosing that particular man. The
mistake is "buying into" the whole "boy" thing. The
mistake is that once you START going along with
being the "boy" some of the time, you always end up
creating a pattern where you are expected to be "The
Boy" ALL THE TIME. And once you accept that role -
RELATIONSHIP IS DESTROYED.
I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Though I
talk with many women who've said, "It seems like he
really LIKES it when I do that" (make plans, do the
calling, keep the conversation going, buy the
tickets, pick the restaurant), I've not talked with
a single woman who can tell me this has worked for
her with a man for the LONG HAUL - not just for the
***So, why do you destroy a relationship when you
take on the "boy" role? There are many reasons that
have to do with the way that it makes you FEEL in
the relationship. How you'll start to resent him,
and then anger will happen, and then tension will
happen, and from there it's downhill.
But the main, basic reason is this - even if a man
likes being the "girl" some, or maybe even ALL of
the time - HE'S STILL A MAN! He STILL doesn't like
being led around, told what to do, or made wrong
when he doesn't do things correctly. He may enjoy
being the girl in the short term - but for the long
haul - which is what we're going for here - he hates
And he'll resent you for trying to be the "boy," and
he'll withdraw and leave you in confusion. And all
this from what seemed like such a promising
YOU CAN NEVER LOSE BY LEARNING HOW TO BE A "GIRL."
You can't lose in love, and you can't lose in
business either. My clients who run businesses tell
me every day that it's true - knowing how to be a
girl in ALL your interactions with people are the
exact skills that work out there in the world. This
means your friends, your family, your boss, your
associates and your employees.
Now let's get back to WHAT TO DO if your man has
claimed all the "girl" space in your relationship by
letting you do things HE should be doing - so
there's no girl space left for YOU. What you must
do, if he's taking up that "girl" space, is OUTGIRL
And that means you'll be going through a unique and
amazing relationship transformation that most women
have never even heard about. Here are beginning
steps (you'll find more and more help for doing this
e-Book and Toolkit) - please let me know how
they work for you.
And I know you can do this!
HOW TO OUTGIRL HIM - by Rori Raye
Step 1 - Start becoming aware of what's going on.
Notice where he's standing or sitting, and how his
body posture looks. If he's laying back (remember
the LeanBack) and looking like he's about to do
NOTHING, notice it.
And REALLY NOTICE how that makes you FEEL.
If he's just sitting there, notice if you feel
compelled to go over there and put your arms around
him. Or perhaps you feel the need to ask him to do
something or to start a "relationship talk." If you
want him to hold you and kiss you, notice how you
instinctively want to go to him and ask for it, or
get it started somehow.
Step 2 - Stop Yourself!
Yes, use the Rori Raye STOP Tool. This is just the
first frustrating, challenging step, so let's get
really brave and experimental, here. Hold on to
yourself and STOP right where you are.
Now, just by doing NOTHING, you're being a "girl."
And now, yes, there are 2 "girls" in the room.
There's him on the couch waiting for YOU to make a
move, and there's you just standing there waiting
for HIM to make a move.
Here's where you Outgirl Him. You simply outlast
That's right. He sits there, you stand there. Or you
go into the kitchen, or get a book or magazine and
sit at the dining table and read, or you do your
nails or try on clothes, or anything that seems fun
and can calm you down.
Step 3 - He'll make a move.
Now, I can't promise you it will be the exact move
you want, but it will be a step in the right
direction. He might ask you what you're doing and
why you aren't sitting with him. He might comment on
the TV show he's watching or on what he's doing.
Step 4 - Leanback, Open Your Heart, and Speak In
You'll say something like - "Oh, I feel hooked on
this magazine article - it feels so great to read
about how DNA works, or how to cook Tuscan style, or
I feel hooked on this book - the character feels so
much like me...
Step 5 - He'll Respond
He may go "Oh" and leave you right where you are.
Or, he may get up and come on over to you. If he
does, if he moves at all, then -
Step 6 - Lean back even more. Smile at him. Unzip
Your Heart even more. This is Your Turn to Respond.
If he touches you, on purpose or by accident, MELT
(practice with the
Toolkit). Speak in feeling
messages about your pleasure - "Oh, that feels
Step 7 - Stay Tuned In To Your FEELINGS, repeat all
the other steps over and over until they start to
come naturally to you.
Step 8 - Be Amazed
What will happen is that as you step down from the
"boy" plate in your relationship by "going to girl"
even in the smallest conversations, you'll be
stunned as even your "girl" man starts to step up to
Let me know how Outgirling Him works for you.
If you've already downloaded my Have The
Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If
you'd like to get it now,