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YOU Be the Girl!
Don't Be His Friend!
Are You Obsessed?
Commitment Fear
Become Magnetic!
Emotional Affairs
How to Do Intimacy
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Relationship Advice for women By Rori Raye
If you've ever been seeing a man - and very
carefully not been demanding or had a "talk" about
where the "relationship is going," not pressured him
or asked for any kind of commitment - and then he
says "I need space..." as if you HAD been pressuring
him, I know exactly how frustrating that can be.
You want to scream "I didn't ask you for a
commitment!" And that's where the problem is.
No matter what we do and say, our "vibe" is what our
man hears.
He may not know how, but he knows what you "really"
want even if you're hiding it not only from him, but
from YOURSELF.
How does that work? And how can we solve this so
that we don't lose a man for EITHER reason - either
because we don't make it clear what we really want
and so we somehow seem like we're "withholding" or
pretending" to be one way when we really feel
another way - or by flat-out pushing and pressuring
him? It's all so easy if you're not in love with
him.
I mean - if you feel like he's a friend, and you
don't have the "tingles" when you're with him and
you don't care if he calls or if you see him - it's
easy.
In that situation, there isn't ANY part of you that
wants MORE.
You're probably looking for the man you REALLY want
to show up, and are just "making do" with the guy in
front of you now.
But what if you DO care for a man? What if you DO
feel the "tingles" and you DO want MORE with him?
And what if you tell him you DON'T want more, and
try to be casual? What if you never mention your
dreams for your own future? What if you "play it"
casual? Well - what happens when we try to take the
pressure off of a man by steering clear of our REAL
desires for a REAL relationship is that we make him
feel UNSAFE.
That's right.
And I know it sounds wrong, because you'd think it
would do the opposite.
You'd think he'd feel SAFE.
But no.
Because this is what he "gets" from being with us:
He "senses," on a deep level, because of the "vibe"
we put out, and because we can't help feeling what
we feel on some level we might not even be aware of
(we may think we're so good at "playing" it casual
we don't realize that he can pick up on our
"seriousness" anyway) that we WANT him, and WANT a
relationship with him - but that, for some reason,
we're holding back on letting him see how we really
feel.
And the moment he picks up that you're holding back
- he feels unsafe.
He figures, on some deep level he's not even aware
of, that if you can't handle YOUR feelings - you
certainly won't be able to handle HIS feelings.
Men are a mass of jumbled emotions just as much as
we are - and their biggest dream for love is to be
totally ACCEPTED for who they are - ALL parts of
them.
That's what makes them feel safe.
And if you don't love and accept yourself completely
- even the parts of yourself you think are weak,
ugly and yucky - then he'll have difficulty feeling
safe with you.
Even your boundaries in what you will and will not
tolerate from a man make him feel safe.
He feels that if you can take care of yourself
emotionally, his emotions - and his secrets - will
be safe with you! To really learn how to do this -
how to make a man feel safe and draw him in close to
you, and how to keep that balance of WANTING a real,
close, intimate relationship, and letting him SEE
that, without pushing him away by asking HIM to
provide it for you, you'll want to sign up for my
free e-letters and take a look at my new program
"The Modern Siren":
Click Here
I know this balance of inner strength and outer
softness seems very subtle - but you can do it so
easily.
It's a very "organic" process, from the inside out -
and it's FUN! Here's a letter from Laurie, who's
struggling with this issue - she' hasn't "demanded"
anything from her man - so she's upset that he
suddenly needs "space":
"Dear Rori,
I recently downloaded your e-book on "Have
the Relationship You Want" because I know I have
a problem. However, it wasn't my own mind that made
me act upon downloading it - it was a 5 month dating
'relationship' that started my search.
I meet this quirky guy on St. Patrick's day just
this year. In the beginning I didn't jump on the
dates right away. I waited a few weeks before
deciding to go out. We started dating once a week.
He called me, he asked me out by Tuesday for the
weekend. Things were wonderful for the first 2 1/2
months. He was open about being recently divorced
and he knew I was very concerned about that but he
assured me he was okay.
Then my 15 year-old niece came to visit - he was
excited to entertain the both of us, and all 3 of us
did something every weekend. Then something
dramatically changed - my niece had been calling him
my "boyfriend," and right after she left he stated
he was not ready to be in a relationship and he
needed his freedom. He said that having to see his
ex-wife a lot recently made him realize he wasn't
ready for a 'relationship'.
I was upset with him. I never 'asked' for a
relationship. I never put any restrictions on him.
I wanted to get to know him and learn who 'he' was -
without me 'controlling' any aspect of his actions.
We tried to continue for another month but the
tension was too high. I'd already received rejection
and I became a 'different' person.
Always unsure of what was happening. Also
questioning the situation because I was hurt.
I have NEVER been in a relationship where I can take
it slow and try not to guide or manipulate the
course. I should NOT be this upset because it has
only been 5 months. I want 'it' and I want 'it'
right away and if it is not happening on my time
frame I make the other person miserable. By actions
of emotional overload because I can't stop 'talking'
about this issues at hand.
He said he wants to "slow down," and I don't know if
I can handle slowing down - but I should be able to.
This is where EVERY relationship ends the same way -
at the first sign of 'uncertainty' I freak out and
start wondering and asking questions that are
pushing men away.
My friends say I just have to meet someone who can
handle me - but deep down I know I need to change. I
guess I am scared to use this existing situation to
try putting your exercises and advice into practice
- it will hurt so bad if I know he is 'dating' but I
should be dating and not worrying about what he is
doing. Can you give me any words of advice? I am
EXTREMELY frightened to try to start fixing myself
now because I keep worrying about what he is doing
and not living my life. Thanks, Laurie"
Fear is a bummer.
It stops us from getting what we want, when all fear
was ever designed to do is protect us from harm.
So - how can we use fear the way it's meant to be
used - to be a red flag and a warning - and NOT let
it run us and get in the way of our true happiness?
This is an issue therapists and authors have been
dealing with for centuries.
And although I can't solve it for you in one eLetter,
I can help you with a baby-step that will put you on
the right path, and show you how to keep moving down
that right path in an easy, fun way.
Fear is NEVER going to go away.
The Nasty Voice inside your head that's telling you
to "Be Afraid" is never going to go away.
The horror movie business would disappear if fear
weren't the overwhelming emotion for nearly
everyone.
So - the trick is to LIVE with it.
In fact, to use the ENERGY of fear to GET what you
want! Okay, so let's get specific for Laurie's
situation.
I truly want to say "Bravo" to Laurie for saying
that even though her friends say she needs a man who
can "handle" her - she knows, deep down that the way
to go is to make changes in herself, first.
There are whole sets of Tools in all of my products
that deal with getting past fear, and let's look at
a tiny baby-step you can do now.
FEAR MOVES.
It moves around your body, it moves from one idea to
another, from one image to another, from one
situation to another.
If you are afraid of moths and then overcome that
fear, it doesn't mean you are through with FEAR for
life - there will always be fear. But also...
FEAR GROWS.
And it GETS SMALLER, too.
You can work to make fear smaller, or you can work
to make fear bigger.
This is where you have a choice.
Right now, it's easier and less scary for Laurie to
focus on what's going on with her man than to focus
on herself and her fears about getting a passionate,
thrilling, satisfying life whether or not her man is
in it. (I know it sounds worse, but our minds are
fiercely weird sometimes.) This fear is about the
Unknown - about what MIGHT happen.
Since we have no way to truly know what WILL happen,
we're always reacting with our fear of what MIGHT
happen.
That fear stops us in our tracks, and pretty much
pushes our men away.
So - I want you to CHOOSE to make fear smaller.
And how do you do that? With baby-steps.
That means you take a baby-step toward what you're
most afraid of.
And when you discover you've not only lived through
that but feel actually STRONGER because of the step
you took - you'll feel excited to take ANOTHER
baby-step.
And with every baby-step, some old fears get smaller
- and maybe some new ones get bigger.
That's why SUCCESS is usually so much scarier than
failure! At least we KNOW what failure is all about
- but success seems almost unknowable.
But guess what - even while fears are moving around
and getting smaller and growing bigger and then
getting smaller again - YOU'VE MOVED!! Yep - YOU'RE
closer to SUCCESS! So for Laurie - a great baby-step
would be to start doing something for herself.
Not just the normal things - going out with
girlfriends or getting a massage - but TRYING
something NEW.
Perhaps volunteering to help others through an
organization.
Perhaps signing up on a dating site or trying speed
dating.
Perhaps starting a new business.
Let me know about every baby-step you take, I'm
thrilled to hear how fear moves around you, in you -
and how it gets smaller and smaller until you get
exactly what you want!
Love, Rori
In her workshops, classes, private coaching and new
book, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the
completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly
effective techniques for communication, confidence,
and connecting with men that she used to turn her
own now-glorious eighteen-year marriage around.
To sign up for Rori's free newsletters, go
here.
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